Breaking up is one of the most difficult situations, because while your head tells you one thing, your heart can want to do something totally different. Sometimes we know that it’s time to pull the plug on a relationship that isn’t making us happy anymore, but we can’t bring ourselves to do it. It’s painful. We’re afraid to be alone and we’re afraid to be without the person that we love. We don’t want to let go. It’s a miserable feeling knowing that you’re unhappy with the person and you’ll be unhappy without them.

Here’s my attempt to help you figure out if it’s worth it to stay in your relationship or if it’s time to say goodbye.

Are you happy more often than you’re sad/angry/hurt?

I don’t know a single person that doesn’t desire to live a happy life. It’s normal to feel happy and to have times of sadness in a relationship. Fighting and making up is a part of life and can help you grow together. But there’s comes a point where you have to think about how often this person makes you happy versus the amount of time that you spend worrying, crying, or yelling.

The ratio should be a lot more happy to sad. You should be happy a majority of the time. If you aren’t, there’s a serious problem and you need to figure out if it can change. And not just temporarily, but for good.

Are you happy with who you are with him?

Relationships change us for better or for worse. Our significant other should be bringing out the best in us. If you’ve forgotten who you are or don’t like who you’ve become, step back.

Think about whether your change in attitude lately has to do with the person you’re with. Do they bring you stress? Are they constantly negative? What about encouragement? Do they make you want to do better? And you should be doing the same for them. Are they a better person because of you?

It’s weird how much the companionship of a partner can morph us into different human beings. We have to hope that our lifelong partners bring out the best in us.

What do you feel that you deserve? Are you getting it?

I hope you all feel like you deserve the world, but we’re all faced with insecurities that sometimes make us feel like we deserve less. To quote The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” What do you think your best friend deserves? Would you be upset if her boyfriend treated her the way yours does? What advice would you give her?

We all know that following our own advice is a lot harder than giving it. But it’s probably time to face the music if we believe that we’re worth more. Hint: you are. If you don’t think you are, then dive deep within yourself and start working to find some self love. (Many posts on self-love to come!)

Are you hoping that he will change?

He won’t. We all want to believe that someone will change for us. Because, we’re awesome. How could they not change for us? Hey, I agree. But, sadly the only person we control is ourselves.

We can’t make someone else change. There’s no app for that yet. We can hope that someone becomes more mature or decides to communicate the way that we want, but the chances that he’ll up and change his ways? Slim. He has to decide that he wants to change for himself. And yeah, maybe he’ll get there, but it’s not your responsibility to be there for that. And sometimes, he can’t even change until you aren’t there anymore.

How many chances have you given?

I’m a believer in a second chance. But there’s only one or two times you can give chances before it becomes evident that the person isn’t going to come through for you. It hurts and it’s hard to not keep giving in. Especially when they are oh so good at getting you to cave in. Try to resist those irresistible eyes and beautiful lips, because it’s just going to be more of the same.

Why is this the right decision?

Remind yourself that you’re doing this for a good reason. What are all the things you won’t miss? What can you look forward to? You have to have a positive attitude about this to get through it. Looking back only hurts, so do your best to remind yourself of why it’s a good thing going forward. You have so much to look forward to.

Before I go…

I’d like to remind you of your worth. You are worthy of extraordinary love. You don’t deserve to be treated badly and if you are, please find the courage to let go of the negativity that is weighing down on your life. Fill your life with things that make you happy and don’t waste more of your life on something that drains you. It’s not easy and it’ll feel awful, but we’re here.

We’d love to send you positive vibes and be there for you if you’re going through this, so send us a message or comment below. 

How to decide whether or not to stay together or break up.

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  • ☂☃☠☄

    Hey,
    Right now I’m feeling like I need to break up with my boyfriend of 3 years. The reasons stream through my head daily now. “He is negative, angry and judgemental. He doesn’t make me feel special or even like a priority. I’ve given him chance after chance to try to change and be less self involved. (Which over the years he has improved, but it’s still not working for me.) I am more sad and stressed than I am happy. We don’t go on dates or do anything public. We also don’t do anything privately either. I have to beg him to take a hike with me. All he talks about it his art or negative stuff. He has obvious issues of his own. I know this is not all his fault. But idk how we’ve gotten this far. Now we’re both avoiding each other because he knows I want to breakup. He knows he’s negative and is bringing me down. So he let me distance myself but won’t let me break up with him. Whenever i try to talk to him he says that he can never do anything right and that his depression gets worse because he can’t please me. Please help me. Idk what to say to him. I love him deeply but I know that he isn’t right for me. And I now realize that he will never change for me. I’m lost.